In this new millennium we're questioning our lives at a greater depth than ever before.  More people are experiencing changes in mental health, physical well being and spiritual awareness.  We're responding internally to the tremendous amount of change we've experienced during the past century, and in particular over the past thirty years.  These changes are showing up with real clarity in our intimate relationships, with both an increase in chaos and confusion and a greater expectation for personal fulfillment.

Looking at the changes in relationships over the past century may help to understand what is happening now.  For the most part our parent and grandparents had developed their sense of self through external forces.  Religious, cultural, gender and social values defined who they were, their expected life roles and their functioning within these roles.  This external definition of self also provided a framework for how to exist within their marriages.  These traditions and expectations may not have been right for whom they truly were as people, but provided them with an operating system for their life.

We often forget the tremendous amount of change we've experienced as women and men over the past thirty years.  The potential and options for both sexes and family life have expanded.  Nothing is any longer 'carved in stone'.  Past generations had a externally defined view of who they were and the job they did. We now have an internally defined view.  This means that we have choice and this choice permeates our entire lives.  We're the first generation who have the words and permission to openly question who we are and to believe in our right to happiness.

So, here we live as women and men trying to redefine who we are and have healthy, long-term relationships.  We were given the belief that there would be an external operating systems in our communities and families to give us the guidelines which we need, but the reality is that they no longer exist.  We unconsciously continue to search outside ourselves for direction as individuals and in relationships yet none is forthcoming.  To be able to form, maintain and thrive within a relationship, we need to embrace a new focus as individuals.  It is about creating a society of women and men who have the strongest sense of self possible while developing relationships.  It's about learning how to have a relationship with you as the foundation.  With this new, internal way of living, skills and information are needed to help us effectively communicate within our intimate relationships.  The following four areas of focus can assist you to build your own framework for relationships:

Improving Your Self-Esteem

Creating a stronger foundation within yourself will help you to create a stronger foundation within your relationship.  This internal focus in which we find ourselves now screams for us to know ourselves at a much deeper level.  In turn, this leads us to become further aware of how we truly feel about ourselves and how we fit into our own lives. The first approach is to create a foundation to address and heal past emotional, physical and spiritual experience, which block our sense of wholeness.  The 'emotional' refers to dealing with past hurts and to become comfortable with the emotional language of feelings.  With the 'physical' it is about past traumas and addressing overall physical wellness.  The 'spiritual' means reflection on what you've learned about being a spiritual person, and how this may or may not fit with who you are as an adult. 

The second approach begins with understanding what self-esteem is all about.  As past generations learned to have an external focus to define themselves, we have borrowed this approach to try to improve how we feel about ourselves.  We operate from the belief that "if I get the 'right' job or get into the 'right' relationship, I will feel better about myself."  Over and over we feel inadequate and disappointed. It may help to define self-esteem in a manner that fits this new perspective.  Self-esteem is the product of the strength of our inner core of self, and the strength of our connection to this core:

             Strength of our       Strength of our 
                inner core       +  connection to  =   Self-Esteem
                   of self               this core

Our inner core of self is made up of the combination of our thoughts, feelings and intuition.  Our inner core is stronger when 1) we are honestly aware of what the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of self are telling us and 2) the communication between our thoughts, emotions and intuition is clear.  The strength of our connection to this core is how effectively we can hear, interpret and use these inner truths in our daily life.  Enhancing self-esteem allows us to thrive and not merely survive day-to-day life demands, but also provides a solid foundation to assist with revisiting and addressing blocks from the past, It also provides us with greater inner health, which as a magnet attracts healthier people and relationships to us.

Know Your Ghosts

Emotional baggage that impacts our intimate relationships mainly comes from two interrelated sources.  The first is childhood experiences, such as neglect, emotional or physical abandonment, abuse or exposure to adults with addictions.  Secondly, as we end one adult relationship and move on to the next, we can carry with us unresolved hurt, disappointment and emotional pain. 

People are often told 'to forget about it and get on with you life' in regards to painful issues from childhood or past relationships.  People use an incredible amount of energy trying to keep their emotional pain under control and to wear a 'mask' to convince the world (and themselves) that everything is 'all right'.  Invariably the denied and unexpressed emotional pain remains and reappears in intimate, relationships, where it believe it can finally be resolved.  An example is of a woman who experienced a controlling, emotionally abusive father.  As an adult, when her partner strongly states an opinion, she may become very silent, with her own self-defeating thinking taking over.  As an outcome, she denies her needs and ability to voice her perspective. 

The second 'ghosts' are the emotional issues carried from on adult relationship to the next.  Trends are showing that we're beginning to live our lives in a state of serial monogamy, meaning that we'll move through several one-partner committed relationships in a lifetime.  Futurists are predicting and average of five per person; a breeding ground for unresolved baggage.  A common example of a relationship ghost is money. We have very little knowledge about the 'emotional' meaning of money in our lives.  As a result, we are not consistently good in communicating about money with others in a proactive way.  If there were money issues with a previous partner and its effects were never addressed, they may reappear as a control issue in the next relationship.

Separate Yet Together

Couples are often perceived as a single unit, both by those in the relationship and the couple-oriented world in which we live.  Within this couple connection, a sense of separateness must be created and allowed to remain for long term individual and couple wellness.  This may not be as easy as it sounds, for with intimacy there is interconnectedness.  Two aspects of relationships to be aware of which may help you reach and maintain the balance of 'separate yet together' are boundaries and expectations. 

A boundary is simply where 'you' end and 'I' begin.  Acceptance and acknowledgement of being two separate people with a desire to be together is a needed belief for a healthy relationship.  Each partner has a sense of wholeness and confidence and a framework of mutual respect when together.  With each person coming from the position of their own wholeness, communication occurs where issues can be addressed, where feelings can be expressed, decisions can be made and a deeper bond of intimacy can take root.  It allows the ability to work together in partnership.  One of the difficulties in developing this approach is our personal resistance to accepting our limits and holding back our enthusiasm when it comes to our partner and their life issues. 

Using your intuition is an effective and readily available tool in becoming more aware of you boundaries and limits.  Your intuition is experienced as an inner knowing that will not go away.  It often does not have a strong emotional charge, but will creep in to your awareness with the same information over and over.  We have learned to use our energy to deny our intuitive self, primarily be believing that if something is not rational or logical, it is not correct.  Our intuitive knowing often does not fit this criterion, yet time and again it is right for us.  In regards to boundaries, our intuition will often let us know if our relationships fit with who we are and what we need.  A frequent intuitive sense is when our partner is trying to control us in some way.  Remember that you will know it is your intuition as it comes from your 'gut' (a deep inner knowing) rather than your head (repetitious thoughts or brain chatter).
The second aspect of 'separate yet together' is that of expectations.  An expectation occurs whenever we believe that another person can meet our needs.  Clarifying the difference between needs and desires is important to understanding what expectations are all about.  We often deem a desire as a need, as when it comes up we really, really, really want it.  Asking yourself if something is a desire (I would like it) or a need (it will affect my wellness or even survival).  This brings an understanding to our needs and sheds light on how we may be expecting our partner to meet a particular need. 
In a relationship, we come together to mutually address certain needs and desires.  There are two important aspects in understanding personal needs.  One is asking whether or not this is a relationship need or and individual one. Secondly, assessing if you are expecting that your partner will approve of the need or desire, or are you waiting for them to take some action to make it happen for you.  Depending on your answer, the next question may be 'How can I make this happen for myself?  Be aware of the feelings that arise - particularly fear - when considering meeting your own needs. 

Communication Under Pressure

There are times when we feel angry with our partners, disconnected from them or under other stresses as a result of family, work, health or financial issues.  How you communicate with each other during these times can either positively or negatively impact the foundation of your relationship.  The quality of communication under pressure can affirm or override boundaries and actually make problems worse.  Being aware of some common pitfalls can assist with moving through these difficult times.  Know that when under pressure, you're more likely to resort to communication pattern that you learned in childhood.  We tend to cling to what is familiar when experiencing strong emotions.  Think about how your parents dealt with problems and with each other while under stress.  Think about how your family addressed issues, or how your siblings treated each other when parental conflict occurred?  Take the role of an observer of your own behaviour.  Ask yourself, 'Is it helpful for me, my partner and the foundation or our relationship to resort to using this old pattern?  Does it really fit with who I am today?'

More specifically, when under pressure be aware of your responses to your partner.  At these times, we tend to react rather than respond.  When we react, we no longer hear their words, but are triggered by facial expressions, a tone of voice or a reminder of a past conflict.  Reacting occurs so quickly and often moves us in to our own fear, and in turn we react to our own fear rather than the situation.  Emotional disconnection or rage can be two outcomes of how this occurs.  You need to believe that you can remain in charge of yourself when reacting.  One option is expressing to your partner that you need a time out from the issue at hand and will get back to them.  Follow through!

The third pitfall is 'stepping over the line'.  Having the belief that you need to win the battle with your partner sets the stage for personal verbal attacks.  A sign that this is occurring is that your words shift from and 'I' to a 'You' perspective.  You will notice that there's a change in the energy of the conflict and also a change in your intent.  This underlying, new intent is the desire to hurt the other person in order to win the argument.  As this point, you can begin to put down the other person in a very personal way, such as "You never." "That's stupid." and 'name-calling'.

Be very aware of your use of criticism as this point.  Unfortunately we've learned to criticize to control others and to disguise criticism with the belief of trying to help.  Again the pureness of your intent in giving input and you partner's request for that input (solicited advice) need to be the most important factors in offering assistance.  It is always best done apart from conflict.  (If verbal attacks and putdowns from a partner are common and feel abusive to you, then they are.  Your partner needs help with these issues; and believe that the way that they treat you is not your fault.  Contact the local family counseling service or local shelter for resources and support available in your community.)

Having a healthy relationship depends on attitudes, the wellbeing of both people and the desire to learn new information and approaches as your relationship evolves.  Think of this time as that of building a foundation for yourself, with you spouse and you family.  Learning new information and changing behaviour is a process.  The positive potential outcomes are limitless!